In “The Basics of Self–Awareness” article, I touched on the concept that we are not our thoughts. This is the basic principle of mindfulness and those who strongly identify with their cognition can find this concept challenging. Our mind can be a beautiful thing or it can be our greatest enemy. If you find your thoughts aren’t always the nicest to you or you get stuck in cycles of negative thinking, then it might be a good time to make a change. Here, we’ll be exploring the origins of our thoughts, our belief systems and how to break those negative thought cycles in order to create a nicer space between your ears.
What are thoughts?
Before we can make any change, we have to know what it is we’re dealing with. Thoughts are one of the ways our brains make sense of our reality and surroundings. Thoughts (which are different than feelings) often come with a type of judgement or labeling (this is good, this is bad, this is safe, this is harmful, etc.) They’re often a quick, automatic reaction to what’s going on around you and who you are. It’s the self-talk we all experience all day long.
Our brains are constantly interpreting and judging our experience. Mostly subconsciously. The more we can notice and get curious about these quick reactions, the more autonomy we have to create our reality.
How did they get there?
Where do our thoughts or beliefs come from? As we grow up, we are at the mercy of those around us to teach us how to do things, how to behave, and yes, how to think. As children, our forming brains are like sponges that absorb everything around us. We literally inherit our initial worldview from our caregivers. This is a necessary part of our evolution and as we get older, we gain the capability to make judgements for ourselves. As we grow older, we get to make choices independent of our parents. We can keep what’s important to us and get rid of what’s not.
So, go ahead and take that walk down memory lane and start identifying the dominant influences in your life. That could be your parents, siblings, religious institutions, teachers, culture, society, friends, etc. Take inventory of the things that you saw, heard and ways in which you were treated.
For example, you could have heard your caretaker share their belief that women are supposed to stay at home and take care of the family. Or, if it wasn’t blatantly said, you could have witnessed the women in your family taking on that role. Were you taught that kids were to be seen and not heard? Were you rewarded for being a “good girl” and what does that mean? Putting other’s needs before your own? Not expressing your needs?
Just by noticing your own thoughts and the beliefs of your childhood environment, you’ll increasingly start to notice some parallels and grow more awareness of the connection. This is an ongoing practice and it can be helpful to do this process with a trained mental health professional.
Is this actually what you want to believe?
Here is where you get to decide what stays and what goes. This is your life to live so take some time deciding how you want to live it. What type of person do you want to be? What are your values? What do you believe in? Does the belief system you grew up in fit for you or is it time to change? You get to decide that and this the lifelong journey of exploring who you are.
We spend a lot of time in our heads and sometimes what we think or believe is not helpful to us. It can keep us from living the fulfilling life we’re meant to live and sometimes it can be downright self-deprecating. When we spend time looking at our internal narratives and how they got there, we can discover things that are difficult to accept or process. Sometimes our stories are there to protect us from hard feelings. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings as things come up.
It takes time to change a deeply ingrained habit and to create new neural pathways in our brain. Think of your thoughts as a trail system in the woods. The old, well-worn path is easier to go down and to create a new path, we need to cut down the overgrowth and work at it. It’s hard, it’s confronting and can feel frustrating. Be patient with yourself as you implement these new tools and if you practice self-compassion for your journey, it will be a lot smoother ride!
Jackie O'Neil, LCSW 